My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
