i think my mom watched the whole time
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
