About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
