Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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