I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
