the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
