I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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