we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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