Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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