They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
