the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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