addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Less talking, more tequila
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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