i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
