I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I could fuck to npr.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
