my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
