Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
