I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
