Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
