Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
