White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
