i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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