I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
