The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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