I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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