I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ketchup is God's man juice
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
