Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
