Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
