I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
