Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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