On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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