Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
