i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
