You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
