I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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