Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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