just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
