Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i think i just lost a toe
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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