I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
