After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
