Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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