he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
