Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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