I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
