My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
