You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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