the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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