Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
