So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
