You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
