At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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