This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
