I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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